Volition

Sometimes, it’s the smallest decision that can change your life forever. And here I am, taking the biggest decision of my life so far. I’m moving base to Dubai and I want to travel the world from there. I’m going to start again from scratch and see what I can do with myself, test my limits, see how far I can push myself. Why Dubai, most of you will ask me. You’ll also want to know why and how I’m leaving Madras, the place I love the most, and what’s making me do it. This is an answer not only to you, but also to be. I need to know why I made this decision and what I plan to do after.

Dubai is a city in turmoil. Jobs are being lost everyday; people are leaving the city and returning home. The city has virtually come to a stand still. It is in this that I see opportunity, inspired by my father who is never short of ideas. Dubai is also well connected to every part of the world and makes travelling every easy and convenient.

Madras for me will always be the place I love. But at the moment, I’ve run out of opportunities and things to do. I’ve done everything here, sold second hand mobile phones, ran a software company, computerized all the co-operative housing societies in Tamil Nadu, ran a telecom carrier, dabbled in the stock markets and commodities, ran a real estate consultancy firm, did plotting of land and developed property apart from running a three star hotel and a service apartment complex in Bangalore even sold textile and chairs! And now it’s getting monotonous. I admit, I’m having a lot of fun and meeting a lot of new people, some of whom have become friends whose company I will cherish for the rest of my life. But the time has come for me to go out and see the world, take things as they are and learn to survive within a system, unlike how I live here in Chennai, outside of the system.

I will miss Madras a lot, mostly my friends and then my family. I will miss those evenings in Ambassador Pallava and mid night steaks at Vestin Park. Weekends won’t be the same without dancing like a maniac, but most off all I’ll miss my Logan. Those long drives for breakfast in Mahabs or for lunch in Pondy. Driving around aimlessly around the city showing people I love the city as I know it. I will miss getting things done on the phone. Sitting in my car waiting for the LMC at the Fruit Shop on Harleys Road, or my routine head massages. I tell myself that I can do the same things wherever I am in the world, but I’m lying to myself. Madras can’t be replaced, and it will forever remain the same in my eyes.

However, getting out of here gives me a chance to see things differently and take up a challenge for myself. Can I create something and recreate myself for the better. I’ll stay out of the comforts of Chennai till I can, and it could take anything between a couple of years and five. I’m going to travel around quite a bit while I’m based in Dubai, Mauritius and Malaysia being my first targets. After that, and I’m going to have to earn enough to do all of this, which I tell myself I will, I’ll go to London to see Chelsea playing at Stamford Bridge. Then I want to spend a day sitting on a bench on wall street while New York walks to work. A trip to Vegas is also in my list of things to do. I want to do a whole tour of the far east, right from Shangai , Bangkok, Singapore, Manila and Jakarta. Maybe even Tokyo, I’ve always wanted to drive atop the rainbow bridge there. I want to see Europe as well, Paris and Rome, and then travel up north to places like Milan, Bolgana, Milan, Turin, Genoa, Venice-Padua , but mostly the little towns where men sit on one side and the women on the other and pass glances across the tables. Northern Italy and its little towns are famous for their fashion. Southern Italy, on the other hand, inherits things and reminds people from the days of the mafia; something that I really want to experience. They also say that the mud in southern Italy is red because of all the blood that’s been shed there. Amsterdam and Prague are two more places on my to see list, both for extremely different reasons. Moscow and other parts of the erstwhile U.S.S.R are also places that I want to visit for reason of work and pleasure. And who can miss out on Africa? Like I’ve mentioned before in this blog, it is my opinion that Africa is the next Asia and I want to see most of it before it becomes completely commercial, which it will during the next boom cycle.

It’s a song I’ve hummed so many times before I’ve left Madras. Sometimes I’ve even called people and sang it to them. But this time, as I’m singing it in my head, it really makes sense; I’m leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again, oh baby, I hate to go…

Stumble Upon

Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.

Someone told me about a site called Stumble Upon ( http://www.StumbleUpon.com ) recently, and I did not pay much attention to it until I was sitting one evening at office, with so many things to do that I had to relax to get back to my normal work. There are not too many ways to relax while I’m sitting inside my cabin, and the best solution is to google some random stuff, but when I opened google, I suddenly remembered about this site called stumble upon!

I decided to give it a shot, and the moment I saw it, I knew that this is going to be one of the biggest things on the internet over the next five years. Forget googling something, now you can stumble it! Stumble Upon is basically a free web browser plug-in that allows ‘stumblers’ to find and rate WebPages from all over the internet. A user basically lets Stumble Upon know his preferences and interests, i.e. art, photography, Indian history, classical rock, journalism etc and when he clicks the stumble button on the browser, it will show a page related to that persons interests. The user can rate every page with a thumbs up or thumbs down, and Stumble Upon fine-tunes the pages that the user is shown and over time makes sure every page that the user sees is new and that the user likes it! I’ve been using it for two weeks now, and I absolutely love it. I clicked stumble ten times and I got shown a site about adiago tea, some amazing photographs, a site with unique recipes, one about designer cars , an online videogame that helps pass time, an interesting blog about a waiters life , a site about fashion with balloons and even a site with the entire menu of starbucks with user ratings!

Stumble Upon is basically a very simple concept, but it’s a new way to surf, an interesting way to surf. Most of these sites are ones that I’m sure I would have never seen all my life without the help of stumble upon, the fact that I like most of them is an additional bonus! I really believe that I will bump into a few good business ideas if I keep hitting the stumble button, and I think I already have, but I’m not going to talk about it until it’s really executed. But to everybody else, there’s one thing that I want to say, start stumbling!

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

Eudaemonia?

As I see it, every day you do one of two things: build health or produce disease in yourself.

I’m not in the best of health. I’m not in the best state of mind. I’m not in the best financial situation. I’m not in the best emotional situation. I don’t have anything left in this world. I’m coughing my lungs out, and my chest hurts. It’s been hurting for a few months now, but it only gets worse. I don’t even have the courage to tell anybody about it, because some will get extremely worried and the others will end up laughing if a twenty one year old complains about chest pains. My smoking is what the problem might be, though someone told me that it might even be just something in my head. But it hurts, really does, and I can feel the pain. How can that be in my head? I’ve cut down on my smoking massively the last couple of weeks, but my nicotine cravings come with nausea and vomiting along with a chest pain sometimes. I’ve been to doctors, the only thing I hear from them is to stop smoking and eat more greens so my lungs can have more oxygen. But what about the chest pains? No one seems to have an answer.

As I sit here in my office, my chest hurts and I can’t even type continuously. I need to stop every time my chest hurts and push my chair back and relax. It gets worse sometimes and I end up drinking a glass of water and taking deep breaths. Relax, Relax... That’s the only voice I hear in my head and I take a few deep breaths. Sometimes it goes away quickly, sometimes the pain takes a long time to subside. But whatever happens, there’s always a little stinging sensation in my chest and it makes talking difficult. But talking is what I do for a living and I can’t stop doing that. When I feel nauseated, I put my head down on the table and take a few deep breaths. Medication helps sometimes, but it’s not safe because I really don’t know what pills to take and what I shouldn’t. Nor am I aware about the dosage, and there’s no one in this world who I can ask. There is however one person who used to help me, but that person doesn’t want to be associated with me anymore. I think I did something wrong.

The more I think about what I did wrong, the worse I feel. I am not the best of human beings and I think I’m a very bad friend. There’s not a single person in the world who would call me if I didn’t call them first. I wonder why? And the more I ask myself these questions and the more I think about it, the worse I feel. I feel like a useless human being and an untrue friend. I don’t like myself anymore, and I don’t feel good like I used to in the past. Life has its ways, and it’s probably out to get me.

As I write this, its time for me to go out on some work. My chauffer is attending to my sister, as she is out with friends and she wanted someone to drive her. I need to drive, but I’m not comfortable with the thought. My chest hurts, really badly. I don’t know if I can control the car. Should I even be driving? I’ve done it before; driven with a chest pain. It blurs my vision and slows down my senses, but as long as I drive slowly it should be fine. But today, I don’t feel so confident. I’m going to look if someone in the office is free to give me company, and just sit by my side while I drive. I have to go; my work is important. Everyone else has deserted me, and my work is all I have left. Pray for me.

I want to breathe; I want to live a normal life. I want to be healthy. I want support. I want comfort. I want love. I want companionship. I want myself. I want to be happy. I want to live. I want to die.


Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

Unfeigned

The history of our race, and each individual's experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal.

Like you know, I write only when something bothers me, something changes the way I think, changes the way I live, changes me. And recently something has. It’s something to do with the truth. The way things are said and projected. The truth is often a amalgam of two half truths, but it’s never really the entire truth because there’s always something remaining that hasn’t been said.

The reason I’m thinking about all of this is the fact that I’ve been opening up new companies, starting new ventures, and expanding current businesses. The markets are good, and opportunities are plenty. Every single person that I hire, every organization that I do business with, every person that I decide to enter into a partnership with, I trust in full. Without trust, there is no business. I often tell people that a man’s word is more important that any piece of paper that he signs on. I hire, invest and dedicate time based on trust. Yes, different people hold a different amount of trust with me, and trust is often based on respect. How much you respect a person decided how much you trust him and vice versa. But when the scale is big, how much can you really trust people? Yes, they are good people now, all of them, but will they be forever? Will they not falter to greed sometime or the other? They maybe great human being today, practicing members of their respective religions, and brought up with good ethics and values. But greed; its something that ive seen even the best of men falter too. I can provide every person that works with me, his needs. But his greed? Is it my duty to provide for peoples greed? Is any one capable of providing for peoples greed? I doubt it.

I looked for answers, above me and below me. I asked how other people did business, I looked at the way small retailers, mid level marketing companies and big organizations did their business and help their staff and partners accountable. There were a plethora of answers I received, and they all put me into a great uncertainty. My short term goal is to take one of my firms, Connection Point, to a hundred employ strength. And the more I think of it, the more it worries me. This firm is a realty firm, and nothing can stop my employees from doing a deal on the side, but their conscience. But I am not God or a messiah, I can’t make them remain honest forever, I can’t discipline them if they falter. I cant see and hear everything that they do and say, I don’t know the whole truth. Never have and never will. But there was one answer that I got. SAP. Like they say, the best run business’s run on SAP. Their solutions for small business is just fabulous. As an employer, my entire staff have to report all of their actions, every client interaction and every financial transaction onto the system. And I can access it anywhere in the world. It is real time, therefore all of my finances, my client details, pending bills, deals in progress et al can be monitored in real time from anywhere. And this makes works so much more easier. I don’t have to follow up with all my staff directly. I don’t need to rely on managers for inputs on their subordinates. I know what is happening, wherever I am, whatever I’m doing. Plus, I get a lot of free time for networking, which is very crucial to my business. In short, I don’t need to spend sixteen hours at the office any more; I don’t need to cut short my visits to my other business out of madras city. I can also get real time financial reports and occupancy reports from my service apartment complex in Bangalore. I will have details accounts of where my field officers have been when it comes to my sales agency of a TATA group company. I could optimize purchases of material for my construction business. I will know what’s happening where and when, and that would be a big change from the current way of doing business for us as an organization.

But for everything good, there’s got to be a catch somewhere. And for SAP, it’s the cost involved. It will cost me twice as much as my annual salary outgo. And I will have to initially spend a lot of time and money on training my staff as well. But apart from all of that, I am yet undecided if I want to execute SAP in my business because of compliance. Like I said before, I only have people I can trust and implementing such software may seem to my staff and partners that I don’t trust them any more. I will start appearing like a hard hearted employer, a ruthless boss ruling with an iron wrist. And that is something that I don’t want, I’ve always done business based on trust, and change is something that I difficult to accept. I don’t lie, at least I try not to, and I try not to associate with people that lie. But sometimes it’s difficult. With all this technology around, the only way to call a bluff is when a human falters. Like the other day, I called a client of mine on his office land line, yet he told me he wasn’t in the office. I didn’t confront him on the same. A staff of mine kept telling me for days that he’s been late to work because he had gone to inspect a property .I’m going to buy him digital camera and ask him to show me pictures of the place. One staff of mine told me that she couldn’t come to work because her street was flooded. I went to pick her up, and the street was dry with not a single drop of water to be seen. A partner of mine told me he sold every single piece of land that I had invested in jointly with him. I know he won’t cheat me of my money, but I’m not sure if he’s really sold the land because I don’t see any money. I call an executive who works for me and he doesn’t answer the phone. He calls me back thirty minutes later and tells me he was in a meeting. I’m certain he was watching a movie and called me back during the interval. But there’s nothing I or technology can do about it. I am still confused; should I be forcing honesty on people that I already trust? Can I do without it? Can I grow and expand without it. These are questions that only time can answer. I don’t know, I can only wish I did.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

I Believe…

• In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
  
  A few days ago, I was speaking with a friend and came up with this weird idea to write a lit of things that I really believe in. Initially, I laughed at myself, but one thing led to another and wala, I sat down and typed it out. There’s a lot of things that I believe in, and I think I've got good judgment when it comes to that, plus it takes a lot to convince me that I'm wrong. My friend there even convinced me into writing a book someday! To put my life down on paper, list every little detail, every dirty secret, for the whole world to read. But will that day ever come? I believe it will
  
  I believe that I love myself.
  I believe that my parents brought me up the best they could.
  I believe that if they did so any differently, I wouldn’t like myself as much.
  I Believe I can be a really nice person if I want too.
  I Believe the word has to stop passing judgments.
  I Believe that I have low self esteem, and that reading the Forbes everyday is to blame for it.
  I believe that the rich will not always be rich.
  I believe that one day poverty will be eradicated.
  I believe that the whole world will fight to give charity someday.
  I believe that there wouldn’t be a person who deserves that charity cause he would already have enough.
  I believe that the person, who does take the charity, would be the richest man in the world after he does.
  I believe that every man should be given his right to justice.
  I believe that Saddam Hussein will live to fight another war.
  I believe that Osama Bin Laden is still alive.
  I believe that George Bush may not be tried for crimes on humanity.
  I also believe that he will be punished for those crimes.
  I believe that sometimes justice can and should be done out of court.
  I believe that the world would be a worse place without the mafia.
  I believe Mafia Sim is the best online game that’s been made until this day.
  I believe that hierarchy is important.
  I believe that age gives a person experience.
  I believe that experience is a perquisite to good decisions.
  I also believe that bad decisions are a perquisite to experience.
  I believe that the heart makes more right decisions than the head.
  I believe that you need to speculate to accumulate.
  I believe that the stock markets are a gold mine.
  I believe I will one day go broke because of the stock markets.
  I also believe that my net worth will become an unimaginable figure because of the stock market.
  I believe that economic rescission is just an opportunity in disguise.
  I believe that America has been going through a rescission since the sixties.
  I believe that America will soon have to back their currency with solid gold someday soon, just like all the other countries.
  I believe that I will never travel to the United States of America.
  I believe that someday people will migrate away from America.
  I believe that the next president of the United States will be a Democrat.
  I believe India shouldn’t be a democracy if it wants to be a superpower.
  I believe that a Dictatorship is the best form a leadership that a country can have.
  I believe Adolph Hitler did great things, evil maybe, but still great.
  I believe most people from Europe will hate me for making that above statement.
  I believe that the unification of Europe is the best thing that can happen.
  I believe the Indian rupee will be at par with the Euro by the year 2020.
  I believe India will be the only superpower in the world by 2020.
  I believe the urban-rural divide in India won’t last very long.
  I believe I will buy a holiday home in a village near a forest someday.
  I believe my life will be spent taking vacations after I turn thirty.
  I believe I will retire after thirty.
  I believe my friends will go places, be the best in their respective fields.
  I believe I will cry the day I get married!
  I believe I will never cheat on my partner.
  I believe in the eternal love between souls
  I believe in love…
  
  
  
  
  
  Unless you believe, you will not understand.

Emergence

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

It takes time for me to accept people, for me to care about them, for me to worry about them. I'm initially very nice and charming most of the time, or so I've been told, that’s how I am with new people. But that’s only until I'm able to figure them out, and more importantly their intentions. I guess I've been hurt quite a bit when stretching that hand out to ask people to befriend me. If I'm still talking to them on a regular basis, if I still call them, if I still make an effort to see them, if I go out of the way for them, I know I like them as people. But that’s when I'm exposed and prone to hurt and discomfort. More often than not, I don’t get that helping hand back, I don’t get calls returned, and the level of interest isn’t the same on both ends, but that’s acceptable, albeit very hard for me to deal with. But things get worse sometimes, I get interest returned, and a very good comfort level. But something happens, triggers my emotions and makes me reckless. I'm a very possessive person, more so about friends. There are times when things happen, though with no bad intentions, that makes me go crazy. And I speak my mind, with no intention to hurt people or make them feel awful about themselves, but after I do that, things change. The relationship isn’t the same anymore, especially so with people who haven't understood me yet. People say Time is the best healer, but I don’t like time. Time stole my girl from me, but that’s another story for another time. If I get through all that, and I know, and this maybe blowing my own trumpet but I will say it anyway, that I will strive to be the best friend a person has ever had. People who drop out midway will however continue to be acquaintances, some may even classify as friends. Do you think I'm asking for to much?


But in a rather weird way, I met this one girl. She read my blog, and said to me ‘hey, nice blog……’ I don’t know what I was thinking when I first started talking to her, when I first asked her for her number, when I first called her, when I first met her over a cup of coffee, when I first dropped her back home. But whatever it was I was thinking, I am so glad that it happened. During the entire process, I've found the best friend I've ever had, and I don’t think anyone would ever be able to replace her. It happened to be a very small world, and I met this lad through this other friend of mine. Initially, I had my reservations, but as I spend time with him, I realized that deep down inside, this guy was on of the best people id ever meet in my life. I had a lot to learn from him, a lot more to teach. And his ear was a listening one, one that could easily comprehend the words that come out of my mouth, the ideas out of my head. I often shoot him raw ideas which he helps me simplify, even though unknowingly. He grew on me, and I'm glad he did. Through this lad I met another lady; she wasn’t from the same town, but from my grandpa’s town. She even knew a lot of my family there, initially I was a tad bit worried about sharing things with her, sometimes even to be seen around her, the conservative country that India is; the conservative society around me. But slowly she grew on me as well; no one can not end up not liking a pure heart, No one could not like a lady with a world of knowledge to share, worldly experiences, and the art of living alone. A lady with dreams, and ambitions, someone who doesn’t want to fit into the mold, but would rather try all her life to get the mold to fit her. The three of them study together at the same college that I hated so much, and quit! Ironically, I go back there nearly everyday. Just seeing the three of them makes me feel so calm, so heavenly. After my stressfully days at the office, there’s nothing like seeing a few good people who can actually talk to me like friends and call a spade a spade. I also get to meet a lot of new people because of them, feeding my ever increasing desire for acquaintances, who I hope someday will turn out to be good friends too. Most often than not, I have to go out of the way to go and see them after college, I've even stopped giving people appointments around that time. These three people make my day every time I see them or speak to them, yet somehow I find it very hard to admit it to them. I wish there was someway I could tell them. They have made me a little different than what I was, and its all for the good. I've learnt how to smile, how to socialize, I've learnt to be nice, and I’ve learnt to act my age and not forty!


I sit down and watch this boy growing inside me, and it takes me a while to realize it’s the new me. I see the rage in him, the desire for more. But there’s nothing I can do as I see him smile, as I see him flourish with his new found company, there’s nothing that I can say as I hear him speaking his mind, with a pure heart. The way I tickle myself just by seeing him dreaming wide eyed about the heaven he believes he lives in, rivers of milk and honey, the way he can stick the broken world together with just glue. He seems capable of facing the world; nothing dare stand in his way. But he shrugs at his own mistakes, I see him sleeping so calmly. I see people growing on him. I see that he will be more than I have ever been.



I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

Drollness

As I drove to the airport to pick up my father, I was very uneasy. I wasn’t sure if I would get there on time, because I had asked him to take a cab to a hotel close to the airport where I was relaxing because I got a little paranoid about a little chest pain that I had earlier in the day. The flight was scheduled to land at ten pm , but my call to the airline’s office disappointed me a little, by telling me that the flight was thirty minutes late.

I took a turn at the airports domestic terminal parking, and was stopped by a young lad who issued parking tickets. He yelled at me through my raised up window, “Sixty Rupees Only Sir” which tickled me enough to burst out laughing right in front of him. Only? Common, that’s thrice as much as I've paid anywhere in the city! After I paid him, he yelled again “turn right”. I was laughing so hard, he must have thought I'm retarded or something. Right was the only place I could turn, I didn’t see an alternative. I parked and got down to see this man backing his car, and had a ridiculous sound that shrieked out from his car every time he moved to the reverse gear. The man looked like a farmer, and the melody of ‘Old McDonald had farm’ had me in fits.

I walked straight to the pharmacy after that, and asked for a gelusil. Gelusil is a pill that is normally used for acidity, heart burn et al and does not need a doctor’s prescription. The guy looked at me and exclaimed that the Gelusil won’t do me any good if I had loose motions. I would have normally been really upset, as there was a group of other people also at the pharmacy there, but I didn’t. I giggled instead and asked him why he thought I had loose motion, he couldn’t give me an answer so I just took the pill and a bottle of water, paid and left still laughing.

I downed the pill and decided to take a walk as I had a lot of time to kill, while still convincing myself that I am not going to die of a heart attack. As I walked I noticed two kids, most likely brother and sister, playing with a luggage trolley. Another cute little girl nearby asked her father if she could play with them as well, to which he replied no. When she innocently asked him why not, he replied “because I am your father, and I say so. Don’t you know your father is as good as God?” I smiled at first, and then laughed; laughed at the inflated ego that man had inside him, and he had to show it off to his cute five year old daughter.

I walked up and down a few more times, until a security guard at an ATM asked me if I wanted to exchange ‘dollars’. I looked at him, no words coming out of my mouth. Did I look like I've just landed from foreign soil to him? Or did I look foreign to him? And what the hell was a security guy outside a cash machine doing running a currency conversion business on the side! As I looked at him, still speechless, he whispered to me, “best rate, forty-five rupees!” I didn’t know what to tell him, I just smiled when I wanted to laugh at him. What was the world coming to?

A group of cute airhostess and a Steward walked out of one of the reserved exists and walked straight to a cab waiting for them. The cab diver put the luggage in the boot and asked if they could leave to which the Steward said “We are waiting for pilot sir” pointing to a man standing and having a cup of coffee. The man was wearing a pair of red trousers and a pink full sleeved shirt, and looked like a little kid with no facial hair. Times may change, but standards must remain. A pilot should have long trousers; dark blue, a white shirt with half-sleeves, a packet of cigarettes showing through one of those two pockets on his shirt, a pair of aviator sun-glasses in the other, heavy arms and a mustache! This guy didn’t look like a pilot, but more like a clown. Oh, maybe he was part of the in-flight entertainment!

Now I had a little smirk on my face permanently, and was looking at the new domestic departure terminal with its fancy see through glasses. There was a man with a little baby in his arms, the baby was yelling “mummy mummy” and suddenly burst into tears. The mother was getting her luggage checked in, leaving the kid behind with what looked like the kids grandpa. The grandpa turned around and pointed out to a street dog on the pathway and said, “look! Doggy” at which the kid went quite and started smiling. But wait, what was a street dog doing on the marbonite pathway meant for humans at the ‘state-of-the-art’ airport? I guess they have dogs on the pathways so little babies don’t cry when their mothers leave!

The smirk just got wider; it was more of a grin by this time. I heard the announcement that the flight had landed. I walked a little fast and reached the arrivals section of the airport. I was leaning against a stainless steel railing when I saw a pretty lady, I think she was French cause she had an Air France sticker on her back-pack, walk up to this take away counter right in front of me. The place is called Sangeetha, and it’s a very popular vegetarian fast food joint with outlets all over the city. She leant forward towards the counter and asked if they had ‘Chicken Sandwiches”. The desk clerk replies in the negative and she leaves. A stout lady, who was standing there and eating something, leant forward and asked the clerk after the pretty French lady left, “DO YOU SERVE CHICKEN HERE?” A lot of Indians are purely vegetarian, and would not even eat vegetarian food from a place that also serves non-vegetarian food. Pretty French woman; can you not read? It says vegetarian there in big bold green letters! Stout Indian lady; Can you not hear? He did tell her that they didn’t serve chicken sandwiches there!

I was looking at the people that walked out with bags on their backs, some holding trolleys, seeing their loved ones and friends who had come to receive them, some people looking around at all the placards and then pointing a finger to the one that had their name on it. I noticed this one man; young, with bright clothes, looked as though he had flown into the city only to get himself into a discothèque. As he walked out, a lady waved to him, I can only presume that she was his wife. They walked straight to each other, and she asked him in a squeaky voice, speaking Hindi, “Do you remember what you promised me before you left?” To this he replied, “No, I don’t remember, what was it?” She asked, looking a little taken aback, “Don’t you remember, really?” He looked at her sternly and said, “I promise you a lot of things, but doesn’t mean I should remember all of them, should I?” I looked at them, and let out a loud “OUCH” with a grin on my face. They looked at me rather rudely and left!

As I waited there for my dad to pick his bags up and come out, two men walked towards me and stood on either side of me holding placards. Curiously, I read what the two placards had written on them. Weirdly enough, both the placards were for a Mr. Alan Smith, PLAMER. I looked at them both for a second, and then turned my attention to the passengers getting out of the airport. All of a sudden, the two men started yelling at each other while I was stuck in the middle. One was a driver from the hotel and the other was a company vehicle driver. In the middle of yelling and arguing with each other, they pulled out mobile phones, like as if they were signs of superiority, and called their respective bosses. Unfortunately for me, my dad walked out at the very moment and I had to leave. I can only imagine how that duel for that extra tip would have ended!

I have been to the airport a lot of times, I don’t think there’s ever been a week when I've not made at least one trip to the airport, but I've never noticed the humor all around me, maybe I wasn’t looking; maybe I was in a different world. But I realized one thing; that I am a happier man the last few weeks, and maybe that has opened my eyes and ears to the happenings around me. It feels good to be aware of my surroundings, to see humor in the little things in life, to smile and laugh when no ones looking and no one knows why. It feels good, life feels good…




Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Transmogrification

My life has changed. It’s come around a full circle, and it’s only for the better. I’m a changed person, everyday I look at myself and realize that I'm only getting better. How and why? That’s something that I really haven't understood, but more importantly, I think I really haven’t tried to focus and understand why. Come to think about it, there has been a few things that have changed in my daily routine, and also things that I do and people that I'm try and keep in touch with… makes me wonder sometimes; What makes me, Me?

Firstly, I've changed my line of work. I've left telecom behind, it really paid off to. I’m now into real estate. I did a bit of thinking about what I want to do, and I realized that I'm not an entrepreneur, thought it is the second best option. What I am is an asset manager; the stock market, commodity trading, precious metals and real estate. That the stuff that I'm really passionate about, and also really good with. I was contemplating getting a job as an asset manager, but I'm hardly qualified in terms of degrees and certificates, plus I could never work under someone else. I'm also a risk taker, and most companies don’t like that, nor do High net worth individuals. So I picked to work by myself, but with investment and savings instruments peaking globally, I realized that I would only be a small timer with the type of money that I had, so I went ahead and joined my dad. He is a huge risk taker, even bigger than me, and I'm really doing well under his guidance.

With being in real estate, you get to meet a lot of people; different types of people. Unlike in telecom, there’s a lot of personal interaction here. Shorter working hours as well, thought there’s no telling where id would have to be when, though I'm really glad with uneven working hours. I'm also getting to see a lot of the city; I spend a lot of time driving around the city looking at properties, buildings and a lot of brokers!

I have also been trying to quit smoking; the cancer stick isn’t doing me any good. There are days when I've smoked less than ten cigarettes. I'm really proud of myself for doing that, its feels good. Along with letting go of the cigarettes gradually, I've also been exercising; walking, jogging, stretching, weights et al. My worst fear is that I will put on a lot of weight when I give up the sticks, and this is just to counter that. One day I will wake up and not crave for a cigarette…I hope…

Socially, I've been meeting a lot of new people, and catching up with people from the past. It feels nice, just to see all those people. I close my eyes, and unlike six months ago, I know I have friends; People to call when I really need someone to speak to. I'm also not in love, that’s a change for me, for the past nine months I've always been in love with someone or the other, nothing worked out, but still, its feels good to be single again. There’s a lot of great people out there, but they are all so great that I would never want them out of my life, they rather stay there as friends, than be more than a friend only to walk out on me someday.

Talking of which, there was a certain someone that I really liked. There was something about her that really pulled me towards her, but deep down inside I knew it would never work. We were two different people, with different ideas, different lifestyles and not to much in common. But she is a great person, and we got talking a lot. She moved away temporarily, and that I think triggered of some long interesting conversations; some funny, some intellectual. But it was great fun, there was always someone to talk to. I was confused for a long time about her, but then I decided against anything more than a friendship, she was too good for me to ever have out of my life. One night I told her that I did like her, but that was over and that I only wanted a platonic relationship with her. For over a month after that, everything was good. We were talking everyday, and it was just great to have a friend to talk to, she was going through some shit as well and I tried being there for her, it was all going well, I liked her as a friend and nothing more, and she was the same. She came down for a weekend, and didn’t even bother calling or meeting me, I realized something was wrong, so I called her and asked her what was wrong, she told me that it was creepy to even speak to me, that sometimes she didn’t even know what to reply to the things that I said. I guess I overdid the nice bit; it doesn’t pay to be honest and nice in this day and age. I could have understood if she decided to stop talking to me right after I told her that I did like her, but a month after that? I cant even call her up now, she picks up the calls , but there’s a dryness in the voice, a ‘why the hell are you calling me’ underlined in the conversation. I still call, but not as much. I wish things would be like before again. Anyway, I really think I've lost a friend, just by being honest and a little silly. I feel bad, a little guilty, maybe I came across wrong, I don’t know. But whatever it was, I think I overdid the nice bit, I didn’t realize that it could hit people so late… to my friend, I'm sorry.

But whatever’s happened, its making me a better person. And I'm climbing up in the ladder of life, reaching higher ground with every passing moment. Someday I will reach the top and look at everything around me, and maybe even give a helping hand to the people around me, just so they can see how beautiful the world around them is, how nice the people are. Just so they can see things around them more clearly, with nothing blocking their vision…someday…


The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next.

Incubus

For the last year, I’ve been having nightmares regularly, but I’ve gotten over it, thanks to that sweet dream every now and then. But the last one week has been bad, really bad. I go to bed expecting a nightmare; somehow I can feel its coming as soon as I hit the bed. It’s all been okay, I’m used to it by now, I just wake up, shrug it off and go back to sleep, or take a shower and head to the office to take my mind of it. But last night was different. I was sitting up bored, and reading some blogs, messing around on some community sites, while monitoring calls and talking to people form work. Listened to some music from the past, and smoked a shit load of cigarettes. I wasn’t feeling comfortable, but I didn’t know why or what to do. I hit the bed and tried to sleep at about three, but couldn’t sleep for at least an hour. While I was lying down, I was thinking about a few things and people, some thoughts made me smile, some made me worry. I drifted into a deep sleep, all the worries in the world left behind, but that’s just me being wishful.

I have this bad habit of remembering all my dreams, at least most of them. It comes to me naturally, be it good or bad, it just lingers around my head the whole of the next day, and sometimes even months later, and last nights dream is still right in front of my eyes, I’m re-living the experience by the second.

I was there, lying down on the beach, with a light drizzle over me and the clouds covering the moon. I was trying to look at the moon, but the clouds were covering her, not letting me look at the beautiful thing. I stared for a while, and then she showed herself to me, in her full. I looked at her and smiled, feeling the comfort that just looking at her brought me. I then looked around, to see the water shining with her light, those trees with owls perched on them, the sparkling sand, the sound of the waves and that breeze blowing across my body. It felt like I was in heaven. In the distance I could see a group of people sitting down and talking, must have been ten people or so and I could hear the dull echoes of laughs and giggles, it looked like they were having fun. I looked at them and it felt so nice, a group of friends sitting down together while the whole world slept and having a nice time. No false ego’s, no hang ups, no dirty mind games, no politics, just a group of friends having a good time. I wished I could be with them, or at least have my own friends sitting down with me, but I didn’t have any friends. I continued looking at those people, trying to look at them a little closer, but all I could see were shapes, no faces. After a while, two of them got up and walked away, as they got closer I could see that they were holding hands and talking, I was put in a whole different trance, I imagined it would be sweet talk, how much in love they were , they seemed so nice together. So beautiful, so pure. I craned my neck to watch them all the way, they walked and they walked until they finally disappeared. I kept looking hoping could still see them, but they were out of sight. I gave up and looked at the sky again, and lay there smiling. Suddenly there was a gush of wind that made me turn away closing my eyes tight to stop the sand from getting in. When I opened my eyes I saw this lady, the same one that I saw before, walking towards the rocks to my left. Her friends were to my right and she was walking away from them. I looked at her, I could see her flowy gown, all black and shining when the moonlight hit her. She walked up there and sat on the rocks, I wanted to go talk to her, but I decided not to. I looked at her, and I had a perfect view, she was standing there with her hands stretched wide. I glanced at her friends, it came across to me that they wanted to ignore her, the laughs and giggles had slowed down, but they didn’t move towards her, just those glances every now and then. As she stood there, she was saying something, it was just a dull murmur, but it sounded sweet, like a song or poetry. I was curious, I wanted to hear her and understand her. I decided to move closer. I crawled a bit and then I walked brisker towards the rocks. For a moment, I thought she saw me approaching, but she didn’t stop. She continued singing, I could her confessing her love for him, but she didn’t seem to believe he loved her. I looked behind me, I could see that guy coming back now, but he moved towards the group of friends, and not towards this girl. She started singing about death, I looked up at her, I could see her clearly now, he face was pale, a very scary sight. I tried walking up, I got there, and she was looking at me and smiling. She smiled at me for a minute, I was just there looking at her, wondering what she was going to do. She took a step forward, I looked below, it was a cliff, there were small rocks below in-between the water and it was a long fall. She took another step, still singing, but I could see tears in her eyes now. I whispered ‘no’, but the wind carried my voice to her. She nodded her head in disagreement, smiled while tears still rolled down her cheek. She took another step forward, I looked at her, she was too close to the edge. I moved forward and pushed her back, but I slipped and fell straight down, looking up at the moon. The girl leaned over the cliff and looked at me, a tear drop fell on my face.

I woke up, sweat all over my naked body. It was about five in the morning, I couldn’t sleep anymore, so I moved from my room to my grandpa’s room, he isn’t with us anymore, so the room was empty. I lay there, but the dream scared me, plus there was that occasional thought about grandpa as well. I couldn’t sleep, so at about six I moved into my parent’s room and curled up on the floor near my mum, at least I would be safe there. Safe from the thoughts and dreams. I couldn’t sleep; I don’t think I ever can.

Will these dreams continue? I’ve had similar dreams before, but I’ve never done something like this for another person. It’s always been about me. I never bothered about interpreting my dreams, but I need this interpreted. Encarna, if your reading this, please buzz me, I can’t seem to find you anywhere. I hope they don’t continue, all I want from life is some peaceful sleep ever now and then…

They say dreams are the windows of the soul--take a peek and you can see the inner workings, the nuts and bolts.

Forlorn

Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.



The past six months, I’ve been trying to socialize a little bit, get in touch with old friends, meet new people, or just old acquaintances, and I’ve bee working on it constantly. I must say, I’ve met and spoke to a lot of people, a couple of hundred if not more, and it’s been great. Lawyers, doctors, architects, simple students, models , VJ’s , RJ’s , businessmen , sweet girls, tough guys, beer guzzlers, cigar smokers , I’ve seen them all, been with them all. That odd cup of coffee, a nice drive, or lazing around on the bed talking about the old times, those long phone conversations, that one off movie, a meal together and sometimes that formal meeting at the office. That smile, those fits of laughter, that tear in the eye, the explosion of emotion, all those old memories coming back. Life’s been so much fun, and I’ve been hoping this continued for a long time to come. But it hasn’t , people just stop talking to me all of a sudden. No response to phone calls, no reply to texts, if they do pick up the phone they tell me they would call me back, but those calls never do come. Get told that they would call me back in twenty minutes, so I go ahead and cancel an out of the office appointment to be on the phone, and wait. But those calls never come too. Blocked on msn, invisible to me on yahoo, no replies to emails. Life has its ways. I don’t blame them, they have stuff to do. Universities to get into, other friends to talk to, keep existing relationships in order. Why pay attention to some new jerk that suddenly decides to come up to you? All this makes me wonder if I’m so detestable, that people can’t even stand me, and they are just being nice by not saying anything. Am I that embarrassing to be seen around with that no one turns when we fix up to meet somewhere, or mainly just not agree to meet up anyway? Do I send the wrong signals when I’m texting or on the phone? Have I just lost touch with the way that people like to communicate because of my staying away from a social life to save myself from falling for the vices again? Why don’t they just tell me to my face that they don’t want to be associated with me? It hurts, makes me think why I even tried, I should have know better about myself, a prick with no life, one that shouldn’t expect one either. There’s the bright life, one filled with friends and good times, people to meet, places to see, but I get shown the door every time, and in the politest way possible. So here’s me heading back to the dark, probably will fall in a pit somewhere and no one will notice. It hurts to be me, really does...



I need rain to disguise the tears in my eyes
Yeah, You know I'm a man, I ain't got no pride,
Till it rains, I'm gonna stay inside